Blast From The Past

Miraculously written on Monday, October 24, 20XX

just moments before 6th grade camp mail call.

Dear Favorite Daughter,

Here’s the REQUIRED Letter From Your Parents. We miss you. We wish you were home. We’ve rented your room to a very nice family from Hungary. Pele--your beta fish--negotiated the deal. Three boys and a goat sleep in your bottom bunk. The mom and dad sleep in the  top—a tight squeeze as they’re “LARGE.” Toothless grandma sleeps underneath the beds. Grandma farts all night, so gas is CHEAP at our house. This is kind of embarrassing—Chuck, the dog, is crushing on Grandma. Love at first sniff. The whole Chuck thing is severely one-sided. I’ve advised lovesick Chuck NOT to get too attached. Grandma is eyeing the tuxedo-clad cat Slim Jim. And while she seems sincerely interested, I found her threading your sewing machine. Not alarming until I realized she had a fur HAT pattern lying out.

Tell the boys at camp that you’re “taken.” The oldest son of the family—George--will trade the goat for your hand in marriage—a goat never leaves stuff on the floor, as it eats everything. And while George  repeatedly emphasizes that he wants your hand, don’t worry. I think he’ll take all of you, especially if you bathe. And I really want the goat. Don’t tell your sis, but I’m grooming the goat for her. Not for her to marry—that’s a silly idea—but for her to ride to school once she’s 16. I’m saving the minivan for you—you’ll need it once you and George start a family.

So what can I tell you about the two YOUNGER boys. One looks a lot like ChaCha, your stuffed monkey. Think a really HAIRY ChaCha. This boy, Harold, has a LARGE (and hairy) drippy nose—always know where he’s been, especially if you’re barefoot. Your sis has gotten really good at not saying anything when she steps in a nose drip. You know, the family RULE about whoever finds it, cleans it up. And we’re all saving on toe nail polish as there’s a shine when IT dries. Some of the puddles get deep.

Almost forgot little Raymondoskilatta. That name—who knows where his parents got it. Raymondoskilatta hot-glued cowboy boots and hats on the gerbils Shoe and Socks. He also hot-glued a saddle on each one’s rear. Anyway, the last time I saw the twins, they were tearing down Larkwood on Ivan the iguana. Three fewer mouths to feed. That rascal Pele has already moved into the gerbil condo. Saturday is babe day in Peleland. LOL. 

So anyway, after reading all this, I’m sure your biggest worry is all of the UNDERWEAR you left on the floor. No need to be embarrassed. The entire Hungarian family mistook undies for hats. I didn’t correct them. The fad has caught on—and now EVERYONE, up and down the block, at Dierbergs and even at Northeast MIddle School is wearing undies hooked over their ears. So save a pair or at least one side of a pair for the bus ride home. Tell your friends, too, as they wouldn’t want to miss out. Not that I expect you to supply undies for them. It’s my understanding that they were on the camp LIST.

Love,

Mom & Dad