The Dog Should Be Nervous

Each Monday, I make up for the weekend's excess by preparing an overwhelmingly healthy dinner that often isn't very good. Last night featured overgrilled swordfish, tough carrots, apple pie fries--as seen on t.v.--and aged yellow squash. Dessert flashed like a rescue beacon. Birdie, Big Guy and I eagerly prepared to taste-test Twilight chocolate bars and sugar wafers. (See Lucky Enough To Have Jacob and Shopping Impaired.) First, the chocolate. Birdie grabbed the Jacob-wrapped bar, while Big Guy zoomed in on Bella and I settled for Edward. Wrappers peeled back, we each bit our bar and discovered, really bad chocolate. I hadn't expected much from Edward and Big Guy thought Bella might promise more than she'd deliver. As for Birdie, she will think twice before falling for a werewolf. Moving on to sugar wafers, we fed bits of wafers to a blindfolded Birdie. She sampled a brown "chocolate" wafer four times and twice declared it vanilla. She called one bite of yellow "vanilla" wafer strawberry, while another was guessed vanilla. She judged a sample of the pink bar as strawberry based on its lingering not-found-in-nature aftertaste. Then she declared herself "done" as in "one more bite and I'm going to be sick." Birdie downed a large glass of water. We surveyed the remains. Then the dog snored. And we agreed: If any of us were stranded on a desert island with a Twilight bar, a pack of sugar wafers, and the dog--one would be barbeque, the others would be thrown into the sea.

Lucky Enough To Get Jacob

I almost made it out of Wal-Mart in record time. A single customer, with six items, cheerfully greeted the express lane cashier. All was well, until her three boxes of Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies rang at the wrong price. Her voice changed tone and the lane light flashed. I bailed to a longer line. That's when I spied Jacob, Bella and Edward. The famous Twilight trio has struck an otherworldly deal with America's retail giant. Each has his or her own candy bar wrapper displayed at the register. The New Moon "sky bars," some imprinted with Bella, some with Edward and others with Jacob promise the same treat inside--a chocolate bar with three splitable sections, one stamped with a wolf (milk chocolate), the second with a heart (peanut butter) and the third, well, it looks like a squished spider (caramel). The symbolism, of course, is apparent. And for once, I was thankful for my slow line. While an abundant supply of Edward and Bella bars remained, only two Jacob bars existed. No surprise as Jacob is way hotter than Edward and Bella is clueless. Because the candy bars were on clearance (how embarrassing for Twilight), I bought a Bella, an Edward and a Jacob. Next week, I'll taste test to confirm Jacob is best. As I grabbed my purchase, I noticed Famous Amos Lady talking to the cashier and a store manager. She shook a box at them. Things looked dicey at best. They would probably feel much better talking cookie prices over a trio of New Moon "sky bars," I thought. But then I reconsidered. After all, only one would be lucky enough to get Jacob.