The Thoughts I Think

If I were to split open my head, I'm pretty sure a rush of bizarre thoughts would flood out. Like for example, how much cat hair did I swallow when I picked up crazy tabby Cracker while sucking on a piece of hard candy? If I think too hard, I start imagining a hair ball coagulating somewhere in my gut.

Then there's my theme for November: Thank you Lord, I'm not waking up in the Land of Akin. For those who too quickly forget, Todd Aiken is the U.S. Senate hopeful who felt that some rapes were more legitimate than others and that women who are raped, legitimately, have an inborn mechanism to avoid pregnancy. If I think too hard, and too joyfully, about Aiken losing, I remember what happened to John Ashcroft, a hard line conservative. In running for U.S. Senate, Ashcroft lost to a dead man. Democrat Mel Carnahan died in a plane crash shortly before the election. I celebrated Carnahan's post-death victory. Then John Ashcroft went on to serve as the U.S. Attorney General under George W. Bush. Please Lord, don't let Akin end up with a booby prize bigger than what he lost.

Tonight, I worry about sneaky burglars. It's a transient fear. Big Guy will return tomorrow and I'll follow my usual strategy of positioning him between me and the open bedroom door. I used a modified strategy to guard against grizzly bears while we camped in Glacier National Park. I let Big Guy smear stinky crack-healing ointment on his feet at night, even though I thought bears might find the smell attractive. With his two well-greased feet, I figured one Big Guy was enough of a feast for up to two bears.

I think about ants. I'm working on a story about fire ants. Hundreds of them sneak up from their dirt hill home and bite their prey--or as they see it, their attacker--at the precise same moment. It's very painful. Thinking about that reminds me of when Birdie bit Daisy at Disney World. That was a sneak attack, too. And it was very painful. Again, thank goodness, there was only one Birdie and not thousands of biting toddlers all waiting to nip while in line for Thunder Mountain.

And I'm still thinking about ants. I have one ant that constantly crawls around the kitchen counter. I fear that it is the same ant even though I have poisoned it, washed it down the drain, thrown it in the trash and ran it through the dishwasher. I would declare a truce, except I'm afraid the ant will crawl in my peanut butter sandwich. And once I eat the ant, it will live forever in my stomach with the Cracker cat-hair hairball.

I may have to give up peanut butter. I may have to release my Aiken fears. This ant thing has got me thinking.